Sandzzzzz

This YM conversation with Marnie was my saving grace this Christmas. The emotional turmoil I was feeling kept me from feeling the Christmas spirit. I don’t think I even smiled a true heartfelt smile the entire day. It went by just like an ordinary day for me. And just as the day was closing, past 11 PM, and I was online, Marnie made me laugh.

Marns: psst!  merry xmas!   miss u

Sandra: hi marns! merry christmas din! mwah!

Marns: nabasa ko ung thingy mo sa facebook ha.  hmmmm

Sandra: hahaha  basahin mo din yung sa friendster. hehe

Marns: hahha  cge titingnan ko nga.  abt what ba un, anu na naman chapter ng buhay mo yan?  lovelife-related?

Sandra: same chapter lang din marns. akala ko nga tapos na eh. yup, lovelife related ulit.

Marns: ah oki..  hay

Sandra: ewan ko ba marns… pero sige, since its christmas, iiwasan ko magwhine. hehe

Marns: haha.  sana new year, new everything

Sandra: hmm… ako yoko muna ng new everything… tatahimik na lang muna ko sa isang tabi. hehe

Marns: haha.  2008 kasi kung hindi nag-graduate, and internship, parang wala lng for me.  hehe.

Sandra: ah talaga… ako naman sobrang rollercoaster. masayang magulo. kaya for 2009, tama na muna ang wild rides, sa perya na lang muna ko… dun sa mga darts o kaya pagshoot ng mga ring sa mga baso… hahaha

Marns: hahaha tlg nman todo sa symbolism.  haha. kakamiss tlg magemote with u haha

Marns: ako dinadaan ko nlng sa tawa ang loneliness hehe

Sandra: hahaha oo nga marns! we’re so emo, it’s like haaayyyy…. hahahaha

Marns: hahahahahah  haaaaaaaaayyyyy……

Marns: cge tulog na ko alex. babalik p ko manila mya.  dto ako bulacan

Sandra: hehe sige… aga naman. hehe

Sandra: ah ok. thanks for making me laugh ha. haha ang senti noh?

Marns: senior intern na kc ako sa IM.  feeling leader na.  hehe

Sandra: wow…

Marns: naks haha.  no prob.  hope u feel better ha

Sandra: hay marns, this is so like nung tuli mission with *****… haha

Sandra: pinatawa mo rin ako kahit nandun ang ******* cat niya… ay girlfriend pala. haha

Marns: sayo ko kya nkuha ung phrase na parang “it comes in waves”  something like that.  kasi that’s exactly how i feel

Sandra: sige matulog ka na marns… goodnight!  merry christmas!

Marns: hahahahah!  CAT hahahahhhaa

Sandra: hehe talaga? so tidal wave pala to. hahaha

Marns: wait lng, c ano ba ito, c ***** boy???

Sandra: takte, ayaw na naman tumigil ng utak ko. haha

Marns: akala ko c boyfie mo before!

Sandra: ay hindi. hehe c boyfie pa rin. naalala ko lang si *****. hehe

Marns: ah ok.  hahahhaha.  ******* cat.  hahahah

Sandra: hehe yun ang tawag namin ni deng dun eh. with matching meow and kalmot hands…

Marns: nakakatawa tlg hanggang next year na naman ang lingering effect ng joke na yan, lam mo nman ako hahaha

Marns: cge gud nyt alex!  mwah!  smile coz you’re beautiful!

Sandra: yehey! we’re so beautiful! hehe nytnyt marns! goodluck sa IM!

Marns: tnx nyt

They say laughter is the best medicine.

It’s so true.

I was watching a teleserye the other night. 

One character mentioned that another character was his soulmate and that he couldn’t live without her.  It was touching really, though normally I wouldn’t be cheesy that way regarding that type of teleserye.

Which got me to thinking… where and who is my soulmate? Have I met him somewhere and just didn’t know it was him? Should I be retracing my steps?

Hmm…

But I do remember having mentioned two… just two soulmates in the past. Quite funny though. Let me explain why.

Okay, I’m permitting you to laugh at the start, during, or after your read.

Soulmate #1: Woogie

My closest friends would be laughing right now.  The late Woogie is my Japanese Spitz. To the unaware, that’s a dog.

I first met him back in 1st year high school at a family reunion in Laguna, when he was still a tiny brown furball. My veterinarian cousin was selling him. It was love at first sight. I immediately rushed to my mom to beg her to buy the puppy before any of my cousins could do so. Needless to say, we went home after that reunion with the tiny brown furball, and named him Woogie. He was Woogie the 2^nd. My mom already had a Woogie when she was still going out with my dad years before they got married. My dad gave her that Mixed Terrier as a present. And like my Woogie, her Woogie was close to her heart too.  

For seven long years, I watched my baby grow. I fed him everyday, gave him baths when needed, spent some time everyday at our yard with him, even tried to teach him tricks. At that young age, he was my 1^st real responsibility.  

He, on the other hand, waited for me to get home everyday. As soon is I put my keys on the keyhole of our gate, I would feel his snout sniffing at my foot and hear him barking from the other side. He followed me around, all giddy & excited… a full-grown but still tiny brown furball bouncing up & down and running around… always excited to see me… always acting like I’ve been away for years, when I’ve actually just been to school for a couple of hours. Every single day… he never got tired of doing that. When he got older, his bouncing and running around just mellowed a bit, but he still did it every day when I got home.  When I’m inside the house, he would sit outside the door nearest to where I was (we had screen doors so he could see where I was, and dogs weren’t allowed inside the house), ready to welcome me outside. He was always happy to see me.

He completely understood my moods too. When I’m happy & excited, he was double that. When I would go outside, sit by the swing, and cry my heart out, he would snuggle at my feet or lap, or just lie still with his face on my foot. Believe me, his eyes would look sad too. He’d allow me to hug him, without trying to wiggle out. He really listened, even if he couldn’t understand a thing.  

And he trusted me. He never complained or tried to escape when I gave him baths. He let me near him even when eating.  

He wasn’t our only dog, but he was MY dog. We never had less than two dogs at any particular time. When he was 6 years old, a family friend gave us a Pomeranian because they were going to the US and couldn’t bring it. It was a cute furball too. I didn’t give it the same attention as I did with Woogie, but he got extremely jealous. I never saw him like that with all the other dogs we had. He would try to attack the Pomeranian whenever possible. Maybe he thought he was being replaced. And he hated it whenever the other dog was trying to get near me. He was so possessive of me.

A few months after that, Woogie got sick and died. I was in school when it happened, busy and stressed with my thesis. He had been weak for a couple of days already, but I didn’t really think it was his time yet. My parents waited for me to finish with my thesis that day before informing me when I got home. I ran out the house and cried in the dark like a baby. I felt like a part of me died too. Until now, I am not able to love another dog the same way I loved Woogie.

I wonder if anyone could love me as unconditionally as he did.    

Soulmate #2: J.G.

J.G. is a patient I had back in Surgery when I was still a Medical Clerk. He was a 9 year old cute & pogi kid who was admitted for Herniorraphy (a surgical procedure to correct an Inguinal Hernia). He was really charming & adorable. He wasn’t shy & kept on asking questions. I don’t think he was even afraid of the operation.

As his clerk, it was my duty to monitor him every four hours before the operation, and hourly after the operation. I also had to do his paperwork and check his hospital chart to carry out the orders of the surgery residents. During my monitoring, after I took his blood pressure, we would then switch roles and he would painstakingly try to take my blood pressure. Hehe It was so amusing. He would then show me the game he was playing in his gameboy, and we would chat a little before I moved on to my other patients. I always looked forward to monitoring him and chatting with him. It was like a breath of fresh air amidst all the stress and mayhem of clerkship.

During his operation, I assisted, and I watched over him while he was in the recovery room. I felt so attached to the kid. After the operation, I showed him the pictures in my laptop and I was amazed at his bravery. He was so proud and was excited to show the pictures of his operation to his friends. So I burned him a copy. He was discharged 2 days after he was operated, and we said our goodbyes.

I remember telling a couple of my groupmates that he was my soulmate. And some of them just gave me a crazy look. Some of my friends even jokingly said that I was a cradle snatcher. Hehe  

One week after, I was puzzled when someone told me a patient was waiting for me outside the Surgery Clerks’ Room. I went out and was surprised to see him there with his mom. I guess it was his time for follow-up at the Out-Patient Department downstairs (we were at the 3^rd floor). They went up to look for me. He gave me chocolate. He then whispered to his mom (I heard everything though, haha)… mama, ang ganda ng nurse dito. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t a nurse. But I couldn’t stop smiling. I asked him to kiss me goodbye and he kissed my cheek & hugged me. Aww…

I never saw him again after that. But I’ll never forget him. He was my miniature soulmate. I hope that when he grows up, he’ll still be as charming and would not end up making girls cry. Hehe

Up to date, those are my two soulmates… my furball & my mini soulmate. Not the usual type you would think of when hearing that word. You see, a soulmate doesn’t necessarily have to mean that one person you end up marrying.

It can just be anyone who touches your soul.

August 27, 2008

No, this is not the original letter I made and intended to give you.  This is different. Tonight, I’m going to list down the reasons why I hate you. Maybe somehow, it will take the load off my chest.

Because it’s unfair, that I am the only one who seems to be affected. It’s unfair that I can’t concentrate on what I have to do. It’s unfair that I am the only one who has sleepless nights and bad mornings.

So here is my list. Enjoy your share of sleepless nights. If you think I’m bitter, that’s because I am. And it’s your fault.

1. I hate you because you’re a liar. You say one thing, but you act differently. I already know you so well. I can sense your intentions with your actions. And you are lying to me.
2. I hate you because you are a pretender. All along I actually believed that you were different. Between the two of us, we both know that you were the angel. But you have proved me wrong. You are just like them. You are only pretending.
3. I hate you because you’re a coward. You’re scared of facing the truth. You’re scared of facing me, because you know that what you will hear from me will hurt. But you can’t hide forever. Some day you’ll come looking for me, but you won’t find me. So take your time being ready. But remember that the longer it takes, the harder it will become to find me.
4. I hate you because you’re building your own trap, and YOU KNOW IT. You’re just choosing to be blind. Who are you trying to convince that you can save yourself? No, I am not convinced, and so are you. When you’re already deep inside your own trap, you’ll remember me and you’ll remember this letter. But by then, it will be too late.
5. I hate you because I’ve lost a friend. Do you even know who that is? It’s you. 4 & ½ years down the drain, just like that. I don’t know why you don’t understand that everything that has happened automatically affects our friendship. How else can I explain it to you?
6. I hate you because you have already become a big part of my life. My friends have become your friends. My struggles have become your struggles. You know me so well. You have walked me through a lot of my hurdles and obstacles. You have listened to me more than most people have. You have heard me cry countless times. You understand me even if I don’t speak.
7. But most of all, I hate you because I love you. And I have lost you. In that letter, I explained why I still do. And how I understand that I have lost you. But since you have chosen to be a coward and hide from me, I have decided that you don’t deserve to read that letter.

Hate… such a strong feeling. Did you ever imagine that someone like you could make someone else feel such an intense feeling like hate? I never imagined it too.

Until now.

August 19, 2008

I’m a very passionate person.  I say what I feel when I think it time to say so.  When I think I’ll cause more harm than good, I keep my mouth shut. 

I hate having regrets.  I’m a risk-taker.  If I get hurt at the end or during the process, at least I found out… rather than being outside the window and just looking in.  I don’t like to just wonder when I know I can do something about it.

Why the self descriptions?  Because I’m still in the reflecting stage.  I’m still not perfectly okay.  I’m still moving on. 

Sometimes I wake up and it’s a fine day.  I have a good mood the entire day, I smile and laugh a lot.  Then there are those times when every time I stop doing something, I plunge into a feeling of emptiness.  I become dysfunctional, crying at even the simplest memory.  Thinking, rethinking.  Analyzing, re-analyzing.  Until I realize I have spent hours lying in bed, or staring into space… and it’s already deep in the night.  Another evening wasted.

But I know myself.  This is exactly what happens to me when I lose someone.

Isn’t it just the hardest thing in the world, losing someone?  For me, it is.  It’s never easy to let go.

It’s a jolt that runs throughout your body.  As everything is sailing smoothly, lightning strikes.  And you’re standing there, in shock.  When you look around, everything’s just as it was.  After all, you’re the only one who changed.  And you painfully realize that you have to go back to ‘just as it was’.

This time however, it isn’t just one jolt that shocked me.  Two jolts.  Two knives stabbing me at all directions… at the same time. 

I lost 2 important people in my life.

The first one I lost because I had to let go.  Sometimes you do everything you can do to save someone.  But if that person doesn’t want to be saved, there’s really nothing more you can do.  It was painful for me to watch that person deteriorate… until he forgot that I existed.  Being forgotten is probably the next hardest thing in the world.  That hurt as it is.  What hurt more is that I had to be the one to decide.  I didn’t want to leave.  It’s ironic.  I was the one left behind, but I still had to decide as if I was the one who was leaving.  I painfully counted the days.  After all, he promised to come back.  He never did.

The second one I lost because I didn’t realize I was losing him, until it was too late.  By then, he dodged anything I tried to do.  He doesn’t even understand why I lost him.  Any attempt I try, even to save our friendship, he doesn’t understand.  If being not ready is a valid excuse, then the world would be so much easier to face.  Then maybe I can also be not ready to get hurt.  But that isn’t what life is about.  Whether or not you’re ready, you have to be strong enough to face your fears… or at least pretend to be.  The longer he takes time to be ready, the more we lose the little fragments we have left of what used to be our friendship.  Maybe he’s not afraid of losing me.  I fear losing him, but I guess I already lost him.  And I miss our friendship more than anything else.

So what do I do now?  I have no idea.

I used to think that I’ve already moved on several times that I’ve mastered how to go through it.  But I’ve never had to move on twice at the same time.

I don’t know which one hurts more.  Sometimes when I cry, I don’t know anymore who I’m crying for.  Sometimes I just stop and look around, thinking… why me?  Come to think of it, maybe I’m crying for me.

They say things happen for a reason.  But right now, it’s too early for me to understand… to see the reason I have to get hurt, twice.

“I’m tired of acting like I ain’t hurting”

But I’m not acting anymore.  It still hurts.

Someone once asked me, do you have a messiah complex?  I remember answering, I guess I do.

But I don’t believe it’s that complex acting out in this time in my life.

Sometimes life just falls apart.  For some reason, it just does.  And you’re left waiting for that someone to go through the pieces with you.

Sometimes too, life presents an opportunity for you to be that someone willing to help out pick up the pieces.  And with each opportunity, you have a different reason for staying.

For friendship…  for peace of mind, maybe.

This song goes…

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh ’cause I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

It may be hard for others to understand.

A feeling so powerful, so complex, it’s foolish and senseless to question it.

Yes, my reason is love.

Stop asking why.